HAHAHAAHH!

i havent been updating for over a month already! :P too busying doing other shit, i forgot about this xD lmao. Welll its 4th quarter for schoool already, i havvve to fucken hit the books big time if i wanna fucken passs. oh! and i'm taking my permit next weeek ;D yay, once i passs i can get my car ! omgahd, xxxcited already. I've pretty much been there, and done that over the month i havent updated this. Going out to much, i'm taking a break from it already. Stoppping the rave scene for me, cus' i'm making school strickly my priority as of now, untillll summmer! :D Welll, BRB ON THIS SHIT ;)

oh my good nesss

spring break is so boring !

i'm seriously done

i'm fcking up my own damn life. what the hell am i doing, putting myself in this position. so naails i swear. i'm done with the drugs, the stoges, the 'scenes', the love for money. it ain't even worth it, foreals. its all fckn temporary happiness. it ain't forever nor forever & a day. it's days, or hours. why the hell am i settling for something so much less. i know that god has a plan in my life, but why am i walking away making like i know where the fck i'm going? i'm picking up my own habits, i ain't even consider those around me. i'm being so damn selfish. i'm letting god down, and i'm just pushing him away. i'm only fighting myself, and i'm letting everything biuld up.
i don't even know where the hell my relationship with god went. i have know clue where i am in life. i'm over my head in everything, thinking that taking drugs and smoking will make me feel better, who am i to say that its the best thing in the world when god doesn't even apprrove. i'm being such a little fckn bitch, running away from everything. it ain't cool anymore, using my moms own money to buy me those things.. how fcuked up can i be! seriously -_- i ain't even thinking about anyone but myself, and how i wanna feel. not once have i turned to god, and asked him for help in this situation. although god wants me to ask for help, i'm scared to even ask for help.


i'm getting eaten alive in life

You are

WORTH THE WAIT.

I SWEAR

i think i'm going crazy already! 97 dreams, naps in class, naps after schoool, even small 5 min ones. Omg! and looong sleeps, deeep sleeeps. GAHD. i wanna punch your face.


I wrote you a long long long letter, but i'm not gonna give it to you. Your gonna laugh at me, and think i'm fckn pshyco, and weird like ivony's boyfriend pono! excuse me to the world.

OKAY GOOD NIGHT.

YOU ARE

SO IRRITATING, I WANNA PUNCH YOUR FACE!

UGH! this weather makes me think..

Why am i wasting my time, being a fool for you.
You ain't even worth it. My heart is hurting
cus' i'm the only one that cares. I better leave.
It ain't the way its suppose to be. You should do
better than that, and you should know better than that.
Something ain't right, i given my best and your just
taking advantage of my heart. Why couldn't you be a
little less insecure, baby.Been holding on so long,
I don't want to leave you... why?
I don't believe in love,
Cuz I still don't have you, I try.
My heart's attacked by the things you say,
My body's numb.
You're love is like last year...
It's over, it's done.

where the hell am i?

Never noticed how lost i am in this world already. I swear i'm getting eaten up alive, and i'm scared. I have no connection with God anymore :( Whenever i have problems, I just walk away from them. Ugh, I'm tired of it. Where did i go wrong from this? Now i'm back in to the horrible habbits i once had. It ain't a good feeling anymore. Why am i pushing God away? I never felt so scared. Not scared in the sense of dying. But spiritually scared. Where did my love for God go? Why am i pushing everything out of my life? I have never felt so lost and confused. Through all the problems i'm going through, I haven't once asked God for help. I keep thinking that i can do this all by myself. I know i thought wrong.

I don't wanna run anymore. So much stress has been put against me, such as school, family, and learning to keep up with everything else. It's been so hard. And still not getting enough sleep because i'm scared of dreaming. How horrible already. I'm tired of crying, stressin', thinking to much. It affected a lot of things. I need to start turning to God, because i know i can't do this alone.

i'm so so so sorrrry lord, i know i'm a sinnner. ):

mmhm,

i'm seriously hating sleeping, dreams of you are so speechless. i hate it already. stop. stop. stop. i know i'm stronger than this, GOD made me stronger than this. i'm depending on my faith that i have with god and thats how it's gonna be.

NYLON FASHION. my faavvvvvvv.

Stayin' strong

I'm still having dreams of you.. sad to say. But its true, i don't even wanna waste my time on complaining about them, cus' i'm just trying to ignore it. Although those dreams seeem worth wild, but they ain't happening in real life. I'm just gonna relax, and stay true to myself. I don't wanna rush into anything that will make myself look like an idiot. I ain't chasing pavements, i'm just following my heart. I know i'm stronger than this, and i know i'm better than this. I don't wanna be wasting my time cus' i ain't gonna be able to get it back. Even if i tell you, it wouldn't be enough. I'm just gonna build myself up, and stay strong. I know i will always be around for you, but when the time comes; it will come. I know my place, i'm just not to sure if i'm even ready for it. I know you have so much to do in life, like i said you're very well rounded and you're ahead of everything. But sometimes i think you think to much of you're wants instead of you're needs. You will know, I know you will. I'm not giving up on anything, i have so much faith in you. You yourself know what you can do. I just don't want you to be one of those people who take everything for granted and end up not knowing anything after. But i know you're better than that..

From, chaaaaan ;)

not saying this to shake you up, i'm saying this to wake you up

How dare you just fuckn use me, seriously it's getting old. I'm starting to give up on you, but I'm not losing faith. I swear i'm not, I know i'm stronger than this. I know for sure Gods in this with me too. But i'm tired of seeing you get all that you want, and i get nothing. I mean, stop being selfish -_- You already got everything that you need, and you still bother on asking me for things? If you haven't notice, which i think you dont, you only talk to me when you need something. Other than that, its nothing else. It ain't no, how are you doing type of thing. Its more like, can you do this for me? wtff, thats so rude. And everytime i do something for you, when it comes to geting something in return you're thank you's dont even sound meaningful. Its like you expect me to always do things for you. But excuse me, just because i'm a nice person and i like to help out doesnn't give you the right to take advantage of what i'm giving you. I was afriad of this, but i'd take the blame cus i know i let it go out of hand. I know you're happpy, and i should be happy too. But you brought out the best of me, and now its like nothing. I'm done chasing walking my pavement. I ain't going back, its to hard. I'm not quiting on my faith, I'm quiting on yoou. I know theirs no chance. But i was always there, and i promised myself that i was never gonna leave. I swear i'm not. I was real from the beginging, and i still will be real with ya' till the end. I have so much faith in you, and i know for shure that you can go really far in life. I don't wanna see you fall on your face, or trip on anything. But i don't know if i'm gonna be here anylonger. Who knows, i might just be in the way yenno. I know you're down for herrrrrrrrrr. But ask you're self and be sure if she's down for being commited to you're heart and not just taking it because she wants to fill in that empty space. It's hard to seee this happening, but my eyes are fogggging up and i'm thinking that its time to go? I've already had about 68 dreams about you in a row. I know its weird that i'm counting, but it's yooooooou. you're like one of the most beautiful amazing breath taking person that i have met. well okkaky, the only beautiful amazing breath taking person that i have met. And i'm not gonna lie about that. But as i seee from now, you turned ugly. But just remember, that i was always there ):

Amazing day ;)

Well schoool was hella' cold. i wore a dresss too. naaails to the world already. but i was excited for the michaels party, i wasn't to shure that i would even be able to go because of lastnight. so after schoool, went to the flower shop, then waikele, and kevin's house. hele on home, got droped off to my grandpa's house afttter. then headed down to michaels houuuse. pretty meaaan his parttty ;) i enjooooyed it. their group is so chillll, i loove it. it's like just be yourself, their so welcomeyyy. hahaaha, well i think i'm starting to let go of all my stressss, but in a different way. and i know i'm not really suppppose be going that direction. but, anyways. goood night :)

So into yooou.

YOU HAVE NO FUCKN IDEA -_-
sad to say, but you gott me head over heals. that hopeless romantic type of shit. Only a girl like me could dream, but theirs no hope.. -_-

Stresssssin'

I hate hate hate hate hate this weeek so far, its been nothing but bullshit! I swear, I'm tried of it already. It's just getting worse and worse, wtf. How fuckn horrible. Excuse me for my profanity, but I'm tired of it. I don't need this, I didn't ask for this. I hate stresssin' I don't want it to get to me, but wtf.. WHY!?!?!?! I'm sick an tired of this kind of stuff happening to me. Whatever already, I'm just gonna face this shit. If you're one of those people, who wanna fuckn taunt me too, i swear i'll fuckn knock you're fuckn face out. This weeek, is horrrible enough. but whatevers.

better day.

You've have became a someone who biulds be up, and knocks me down. But i notice, i'm learning from it, its making me stronger. I've learned that you have to step out of the picture, and watch the re-run. When you learn, you're mind is set. I'm learning that my time is actually worth something, and it's not just something that i can get back when i ask. When time past, it becomes the past, and it's gonna stay in the past. I need to set myself up for the future, cus' who said time waits for anyone? it waits for none of us. Its rather you flow with it, or you just get left behind and you're gonna have trouble catching up. But as always 'LIFE GOES ON' and it will continue too. as for now, i'm taking it as a lesson learned.

Chasing pavements.

I'm tired of this. The dreaming, the thoughts, being too nice. I ain't chasing anything, why should i? Its not gonna lead to anything good anyways. I'm giving up, slowly and surely. My options are still open, but it's been a year already. whatelse am i suppose to wait for? I'm just holding back on everything, i need to start walking. But i swear, i'm gonna be strong about it wahtever happens happens right? but if you're happy, i will be tooo :D

haven't been updating

Haven't really been on this much, I'm stuck doing all of my projects. They just keep biulding up, i just got another one given to me this week. Now i'm slammed with 5 projects, due the same weeek. Gosh, highschool is no joke man. But i'm just coping with it. i'm taking a break from all of the work so i just wanted to update this. And if i'm not mistaken, it's sheila maries birthday :) Happy birthday! ^__^

This weekend went by pretty fast, it was a good weekend overall. But sundays' are my lazy days, where i have no plans and i'm doing my homework :P hahaha. I'm still hating these dreams that i'm having. seriously, stop? gosh. lastnight was prettty funn, watched friday the 13th, it was funny :D hahah, i couldn't help but laaaugh at most of the killing parts. It was so intersting, how people can be so stupppiiid and hardheadedddd. lols. I got to see beautiful like 2 times this weekend :) gosssh, he's so beautiful on thaa' reals. Playing serrades in waikele parking lot :P omg, so hilllarious. it's those 'had to be there' momments. well I think i shall come back to thiss, i have to do my other project. 1 down, 4 more to go :(

NAILS TO THE FUCKN WORLD.

Well its been day 54 and its the 54th time i had a dream about you, and their still continuing. I'm starting to hate sleeping. It's pissing me off. Why can't they just stop? Like wtf, why is it even happening? Ugh, I'm sleeping less these days cus' i don't wanna think of you anymore -_- even though your beautiful. I need to start focusing on my homework, and turning in my shit. I do my work and i don't even turn it in. Gosh,where the hell is my head these days? I've been thinking to much, and it ain't even on my homework. Its more on other things. I got my progress report today, and i have horrible grades. I have no idea how i'm gonna pull them off. I stayed back today from the gym, and went home to finish up some of my work and start on my project. I'm such a procrasinator -_- this nonsense needs to stop. Plus, i have 3 projects which are like more than half of my grades for each of my class, and their all due the same week. Fuck, schools getting dumb. My english teacher wants to fuckn act like she's top dog and she knows what shes teaching, when all she says is 'i don't know, just do it' like wtf! how the fuck you got hirred to become an educator? you suck bitch! I hate teachers who wanna make like.
Well anyways, school sucked today. I tried not to fall asleep in my classes, but i couldn't really help it since i only had 3 hours of sleeep. Still then, you're always running through my mind. Aren't you tired yet? cus i know if i were you i'd be tired. but hey, i can't help it yenno. oh wells :P

NAILS.

I only had 3 hours of sleeep, because i was afriad to have another dream about you :(